My Story
"dive headfirst"
I’ve been sitting in a coffee shop for the last 40 minutes, sipping on my iced coffee, trying to put pen to paper. I’ve been trying to tell this story for so long, but I’ve stopped myself from actually writing every time. This time around, my fingers were drawn to my messages, texting my old friends from high school as I reminisce about graduation. Graduation, wow - I’m graduating. That’s crazy. It feels like just yesterday that I was worrying about how I was going to walk to and from my classes in high school. Oh, sorry - that was a little out of context, but a good segway into this post that is so difficult to write. I guess it's a good a time as ever to share. When I was little, my swim coaches always told me to “dive headfirst!” So, this is me...diving headfirst.
As a sophomore in high school, I made the very important decision that I wanted to play college sports. I went to a very small high school, and I was pretty good at what I did. I ran track and cross country, and I played basketball. Even more importantly, I loved what I did. To this day, I've experienced no better feeling than the one I got whenever I crossed the finish line or stepped out on the court when they announced the starters. I knew I didn’t want that feeling to end when I graduated high school - sadly, it did.
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My junior year was the year that everything changed for me. In what still feels like less than a second, I realized that my athletic career was coming to an abrupt halt. Three doctors’ visits, two x-rays, and one MRI later, I learned that I had a torn ACL and meniscus. All I heard from my diagnosis was “bye-bye basketball and track and pretty much everything that matters to you”
"bye bye pretty much everything that matters to you"
Four months went by that consisted of three weeks of pre-physical therapy, surgery itself, and three months of post-physical therapy. Everyday was a constant battle for me. Not only was I physically exhausted because my body was trying to heal itself from an injury, but my emotional health was what was most concerning. I had always identified as an athlete, ever since I was a little girl. Sports were my life. I was good at them, and I loved them. With a competitive personality like mine, I thrived in physical competition, and all of a sudden, it seemed like that was stripped right out from under me through no fault of my own. I didn’t do anything to tear my ACL - I lifted weights, jumped rope, kept up my agility like any serious athlete would- why did I deserve this?
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I struggled with that question everyday. “Why did I deserve this?” No one had an answer, so it continued to eat away at me. I, unfortunately, ended up in a pretty dark place. I didn’t talk to my parents unless I needed my mom to help me take my shoes off because I couldn’t really bend over to do it myself. I never spent time with my friends because I didn’t want to hear about the normal lives that they were living, still able to go to track meets and drive their cars. I wouldn’t text my boyfriend back for hours at a time because he was also an amazing athlete whose career didn’t end in high school. Looking back on it, I realize that isolating myself was one of the mistakes that I made, but, in that moment, I didn’t know what else to do. So, I continued to retreat.
"I hadn't done anything, but I was so exhausted"
I retreated until I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I was so consumed in my own thoughts, or lack thereof, that everyday became like my old Taylor Swift CD’s - so repetitive that they just seemed like background music. There were days I forgot to eat, days I forgot to shower, days I forgot to talk to my friends and family, and days where I realized I wasn’t exactly “forgetting.” That forgetfulness got more and more serious until it became everyday, and that’s when I realized that I was in a place that wasn’t healthy for me or the people around me.
I remember the day that I realized that something was truly wrong. I got into the car (I tore my right ACL, so I couldn’t drive), and my dad asked me how I was. I didn’t say anything, no, I couldn’t say anything. I had the most exhausting day, and all I did was sit in 7, no 6- I couldn’t participate in gym so I would rest in one of the lounges- classes. I hadn’t done anything, but I was so exhausted. He asked again, and that’s when I said that I wasn’t okay.
Voicing that I wasn’t okay was the best thing that I could have done for myself. While I was given many different options to deal with the plethora of emotions that came with a career-ending injury, I told my parents I wanted to deal with it myself. I explored a few of those, but I ultimately found solace in one phrase that my doctor, who also happens to be my uncle, said to me, “If you do this right, you can come back stronger.” So, that’s when I decided to do it right, and that’s when I discovered holistic well-being.
As do many people’s discovery of new things, my discovery of holistic well-being began on the internet. I was clicking around on Youtube when I saw a video about superfoods. "What the heck are superfoods," I remember thinking. So, I clicked to find out. A video about superfoods, an article about balance, and the overarching idea that you can create a strong, healthy body from the things you put into it was the hook, and I decided that if I was going to come back stronger, I wanted to do it right.
"So, I threw myself into living a healthy lifestyle"
So, I threw myself into living a healthy lifestyle. I’m not saying that I didn’t indulge in a bowl of ice cream, or two, every once in awhile. But, I wanted to see my body change- see it become strong again - see it go from frail and nothing to a powerhouse that couldn’t be stopped. It took a year and a half, but I did come back stronger, and I have holistic health to thank for that.
I have always struggled telling the story of how I got into holistic health and well-being because, when I look back at everything that happened, I realize that it wasn’t that bad. I was so fortunate to have an incredible support system, as well as the means to support this new lifestyle. I always had difficulty feeling my emotions because all I could think about was how it wasn’t “that bad.” But, in that moment, it felt like my world, and because of that, I changed my approach to life. So, I guess I’m happy that it happened. It really showed me how strong I was, and how strong I still can be.
Everyone has their own story and their own reason as to why they live in the way that they do. This is mine, and I hope it resonates with you in one way or another. I encourage you to think about your own story - it can be as simple as your hometown or as complex as the many different relationships in your life. Your story says so much about you, and I was once told that owning it is the bravest thing you can do.