I'm struggling at the moment.
As you all know, I’m a creature of habit. I love having a jam-packed schedule that’s very similar from week to week… right down to the Thursday nights out with my friends. Recently, however, with graduation, and all of the inevitable planning and activities that come with it (not to mention all of the final projects, presentations, and papers that I have), I’ve been nothing close to on-schedule. I’ll be honest - it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like I’m failing myself and my health, and I find myself upset with myself time and time again.
While I’m still managing to find time for myself, I do see parts of my usually well-balanced, holistic lifestyle to be, well, non-existent. My sleep schedule for one is completely off the charts. Some nights I’m falling asleep in my corner on the living room couch by 8pm, and other nights I find myself tossing and turning only to inevitably text my roommates to hangout with me until 1am (some of my best memories have come from this nights, so I’m not too sad about it). But when my sleep is off, so is my diet (fun fact, when you lack sleep, your body tries to compensate with another source of energy - in my case, food). Then, when my diet is off, I tend to forget about the gym because well, what’s the point?
Two years ago, this would have been incredibly difficult for me to deal with. I probably would have tried some crazy diet, attempted to workout 2-3 times per day, and then just inevitably gave up again and entered this cycle of never-ending dread and self-hate. Recently, however, I’ve been a bit more content with the times where everything seems like it's not working. I won’t lie - it’s still hard for me. I still get a little upset when I don’t feel well enough to hit a heavy gym session that day or get to bed before the clock strikes midnight, but I’ve also realized that sometimes it’s just a bit harder to be healthy.
I know what you’re thinking - yes, graduation is making me very reflective. But, I honestly think that this couldn’t have come at a better time. When thinking about life after college, I get a little scared. What if I don’t have the ability to live my life the way that makes me happiest? What if I don’t have time? What if I forget? All of these “What Ifs,” they’re so stressful, but so real. Nevertheless, I find myself thinking about the past two weeks. I’ve been stressed, I’ve been busy, I haven’t been that well. But, I’ve been okay, and I’m going to be okay after graduation too.
What I’m trying to get at here, is that there are going to be times when you don’t feel completely well. You may fall of the wagon, and that’s okay. It’s all okay (I’m still reminding myself if you can’t tell!). For everyone, it looks a bit different. But, sometimes it’s hard to be holistic. When that happens for me, I like to think about all the things I am doing for myself - today, that’s spending time with people who are important to me and indulging in the time I have left in the place that has shaped my life for the past four years. So, when it’s hard to be holistic, just think about how what you’re doing is contributing to your health - you’ll find something, no matter how small.